[ he knows that, which is also why he hadn't immediately resorted to violence. larus isn't particularly violent when it counts. ]
Not each other. Me. [ there's a list of reasons why, but he prefers straight and to the point. ] They answered to the one who turned me. If he couldn't have me, then I was better off dead.
[ and there's so much feeling in those few words that larus has to swallow a bit sharply. if he looks away, it might give away too much; so, something should be said about the amount of trust he's placing in dorian with just those bits of information about himself as he looks at him. personal things that he's tried to bury or forget. he won't tell him what he remembers last from being at home, how sun had finally gotten his hands on him and tortured him slowly.
[It isn't so much the words but the turbulent and thick tone they're offered in that tugs at Dorian, and the immediate kind of personal involvement he feels with this vampire. It doesn't miss him that this amount of feeling coming from this man is significant, and very likely painful to offer. If it's accepted, he'll reach out and lay a warm hand on Larus' closest one, unwavering in his offer of directly supportive intimacy.
Dorian's familiar with the treacherous nature of what happens when relations sour between sires and their vampiric offspring. Sires choosing to kill rather than let people go seems to be a disturbing commonality between worlds.
In a small way, this feels like being faced with Toby's cathartic trauma over killing his sire all over again. But Toby, at least, was thirteen times Larus' age.]
[ this is what he should worry about. the kind of intimacy that seems to come to them so easily, eyes flicking to the weight of dorian's hand on his before moving away to stare at something else. the wallpaper, a shelf. he can hear the beat of dorian's heart just as easily as he breathes, and those words... they're so simple. there's also a sweetness to them that he doesn't know what to do with, his fingers curling beneath dorian's so he's not tempted to turn it over and grip his wrist. ]
I don't know. [ soft, under his breath. ] I already am.
[ and has been for years now. it's mostly a state of fact rather than something to simply say, though larus struggles with that as he tilts his head to look at dorian. if he'd really believed those things, he would have allowed sun to tear him apart long ago. but there's more to it than that, just as he thinks there might be more to this. ]
[This kind of thinking is what, in Dorian's experience, leads to becoming fixated on death and decay. To self-loathing that can be recovered from only by committing oneself to the sunrise dawning over an oceanfront. To losing connections to life and joy that might have once been accessible. It's different to every immortal, but there are echoes between the sentiment he's hearing and his own life, as well as those of people he's cared for.
There's an impulse to reach out, rather than let the situation slip between his fingers the way it has before. It's presumptive in some ways, but with his greatest loss from his home world still fresh in his mind, there's a sharply painful nostalgia in revisiting it like this as similar emotions reflect in another immortal.
If Larus doesn't object, Dorian's going to shift his hand to touch the side of the other man's neck, again unwavering in his intention and what he's offering. It's not meant to be a romantic touch, exactly-- but Dorian understands. He's beyond ordinary human experience. Sometimes considered a monster either by himself or the people around him. He's wavered several times between extremes of being unsure whether to consider himself alive or dead.]
You're still a person. [It's one thing that he believes genuinely. No vampire he's known has ever committed acts or been anything that makes them any different in his eyes to the many thousands of humans he's met with temperaments in infinite shades of gray. Writing someone off because they're undead is simple. Preemptive in a way that doesn't make sense to him.]
[ it's something he'd never expected to hear. not in this place, maybe not from dorian. larus doesn't know, isn't going to overthink it right now when his thoughts are elsewhere. whatever his own opinions are, they've never really focused too much on whether he's truly alive or dead. he just is, though his distaste for what he's become is only tantamount to the hatred he holds for the one who's turned him. his own feelings are complicated, more so now that he's spent time around others who see him as more than some thing with sharp teeth. he almost experiences it here, now, and it's always terrifying to expose himself this way, to allow someone to peel away the wall he's so carefully tucked the human parts of himself behind.
but larus doesn't fight the touch. as much as he protests many things, he's also starved for this kind of affection. casimir had ruined him for it, how easily he'd crawled back to him when he didn't want to think or feel all that anger or the exhaustion of dodging another permanent death by the hands of sun's flunkies. he turns into it, regarding dorian without really saying anything until he reaches out to rest his own hand on dorian's knee. ]
Is that what you see?
[ a gentle urging and reminder as to why he'd come, even if that conversation feels a bit old now that they're so close. ]
[Perhaps something like a beaten up flower thrown into a pool of standing blood. But that image doesn't really fit either, because there's a strong will and stubborn streak in the man sitting before him. There's softness too, but it's quieter and more buried. Dorian's not sure yet, but it's going to be something he marinates in after this evening.
He appreciates the beauty of Larus' emotional complexity, and the continual discovery that is slowly coming to know him more and more deeply.]
I think you're figuring things out, even as you're facing something impossible.
[ he isn't sure it's an answer he wants or an answer he'd been expecting. ]
You could say that about everyone here.
[ not that he's belittling dorian's response. it's honest, and he appreciates that. it's what he likes about him, he realizes. that he's direct and truthful with him, something that larus always gives regardless of the outcome of a situation. if someone doesn't like it, oh well. if they prefer it, even better. his grip on dorian's knee tightens for a moment before larus simply focuses on the warmth of the hand still pressed to his skin. ]
I could even say that about you, but I think you've figured out plenty already.
[ larus pulls his hand away then, needing the space for a moment as he tries to decide where to steer this conversation. there's already more he's shared with him than anyone else here, so it's not like it really matters that much if he continues. ]
What difference would a month or two make? [ if he even bothered to actually ask that is. ]
Well, we'd come to know one another better-- assuming one or both of us doesn't end up going home again. [And doesn't that just make this experience that much more ephemeral? He's not sure he likes that, now that he's connected with someone like this. His time here and the things that have been shared will mark him, as all such things and connections with people he's come to be involved with do.]
We'd come to find our places in the city, if they even exist. A lot can, and will, happen in that amount of time.
[ too much might happen in that amount of time, which is something larus finds himself frowning at—even if slightly. by far, he is not romantic at all; he leads with his head over his heart, which inevitably gets him into far more trouble. but he is soft, and there's this undeniable connection he has with dorian that's going to play whatever part it will in his life while he's in duplicity. ]
I guess that's why they say time will tell. [ a not so amusing thought really. ] I can't say I would be happy about returning home just now anyway.
[ only because his position there isn't a pleasant one, and to distract himself, he takes dorian's hand in his to remove it from its place at his neck and give it a squeeze. ]
Mm, neither would I. When it comes down to it, the more obvious differences between ordinary life where I'm from and this place aren't truly that far apart.
[He glances down at the chilly hand in his, rubbing a thumb thoughtfully over the smoothness of the top of Larus' skin. This is a comfortable kind of intimacy, and he's pleased to be falling into it with someone he can ...
trust? Interesting. Is that really what this is?]
The only degree of separation is that this place is more honest.
[ it's odd how much he wants this. how much he needs dorian's touch to weed out the thoughts that are often so loud and intrusive. larus stares at the way the other's thumb slides over his skin, the sweetness of the gesture not entirely lost on him. if he could be truthful with himself, he might believe this could be something. but it's much too soon for that, and it would end up being a distraction if he allowed it. ]
Some things are more honest. [ his voice is quiet. ] You've been honest.
[ as if that's surprising when they'd agreed to be as transparent as possible. larus' expression changes then, the slightest touch of a smile as he presses his thumb to the pulse of dorian's wrist and holds him there. ]
[He's been exactly as honest as he feels suits this friendship which, as he supposed it would be, seems to have been enough.
Dorian considers Larus and the sweetness of the man's (rare, small in this case) smile, before mirroring it back at the vampire.
It is, for a flicker of a moment, a terrible temptation, and one that he's well aware has been destructive in the past.]
I think part of that's your practicality starting to rub off on me, [he teases, deflecting subtly.] Don't tell; I have a reputation as an aimless hedonist to uphold.
[ deflection or not, larus doesn't mind. it takes his thoughts away from the urge to pull dorian's wrist to his mouth just to feel his skin against his lips. ]
I assumed as much when you said you liked being bitten. [ but that, too, is a tease. ] There's no point in lying. It only makes things difficult.
[ and very tedious to navigate. trying to remember what he'd said in addition to the things that come after wouldn't be very easy if he just lied about everything, and even if dorian doesn't offer the same truth, that's ultimately his own business. ]
[It's exactly that kind of unrelenting honesty that sounds like a burden to Dorian. They're very different men in this regard, but the immortal appreciates the earnestness-- in Larus. They haven't known each other long, but he can tell that this man is someone he can probably trust for the longer term in the city.]
So you haven't ever lied to bend a situation to your liking? [His turns to the vampire.] To make being around someone else more convenient?
[ he thinks it might just come easier for some. larus meets dorian's eyes. ]
I don't see the point. I'm not going to waste my time being around someone who doesn't want to be around me.
[ maybe it sounds cruel, but time can often be valuable to him, especially depending on what it is he's doing. and the effort it takes to be around someone else? he'll try, but he isn't going to be someone he's not. what everyone sees is what they get—for the most part. ]
[Dorian would be skeptical of that kind of answer, but it doesn't sound like Larus isn't lying for reasons that have anything to do with motivations he's usually suspicious of: so-called morality or principled choices.
He's just... practical.
Dorian can't imagine what that must feel like.]
You may be one of the first vampires I've met that hasn't had to adopt social manipulation as a survival skill. [Is the Dusk the type of place that allows for that kind of choice? Curious.] The other ones I've spoken to always talk about it as being necessary for being able to live the way they either need, or want to.
[It's not a judgement, it's just another reason why Larus is interesting.]
[ there's something about all of that that larus understands. every other vampire he's known is like that, and it's almost like an unspoken rule that he not follow down that path. he's seen where it leads, what happens to those who choose it. choice is always important to him, especially after the way he'd been turned. so all he can do it be honest about it. ]
That makes it sound like an excuse. [ the pull of his mouth is strained, a shallow expression at the memory of pain followed by the deepest cold he's ever known. ] I was killed by a lie. I never want to be that kind of person.
[ he doesn't want to be like sun. he doesn't want to take, even if he needs it. it's why he tries and struggles so hard with everything. ]
It's a valiant aim, and one he assumes is unsustainable for any immortal. All of them ("us") end up lying, stealing and killing in the end. In his experience, the world is too messy and merciless to offer any other option.]
I hope you don't become that, either. [For Larus' sake. Because from what he's slowly been gathering from the vampire in drips and drabs about his history, it sounds like it would devastate him.]
[ he's not completely innocent, is the thing. there are times that he will probably have to do all of those things for one reason or another, but being here? he'd rather build a few important relationships on trust rather than a handful of lies. and he's not a fool either, wondering if that's what dorian believes about him from the things he's said.
slowly, he pulls away, trying to force those walls up once more. something about all of this makes him feel vulnerable, and larus doesn't know if he likes it. ]
Some things are unavoidable no matter how hard we try, [ he says simply, his expression still a bit sour. ] I'm sure this place will test that.
[A conversational segue means Dorian's rising to his feet for a moment to make his way over the short distance to the drink cart in his sitting room. Larus has probably already caught onto this being a habit for him regardless of what Dorian might be feeling-- but a deeper or more disturbing topic is an even more pressing reason to throw back a drink. Dorian uses a pair of tongs to drop a pair of ice cubes into a pretty crystal glass, and then throws a healthy splash of bourbon on top. He'll offer Larus something if he asks, but he got the impression last time that the other man doesn't care overly for it.]
I think parts of it can be helped as long as we surround ourselves with people we like. [He's personally met a few so far that he's found charming at best, tolerable at worst.]
And there's one benefit to all of us being brought here against our will: people naturally seek out others they can trust when they're surviving something together.
[ larus doesn't ask. all he does is watch dorian move, staring a little too long at his backside before shifting his gaze elsewhere. the entire time, he listens to the steady rhythm of his heart, a lull that he's beginning to find far more calming than stressful or taxing. he hasn't experienced any deep desperation for blood just yet, though his hunger is always a constant gnaw deep within, and he finds himself grateful that such an urge hasn't drawn him closer to dorian in that way. (that he's pursued others for that reason has him only somewhat on edge.)
but at least this particular topic of conversation is a bit easier for him to digest. ]
You trust people for different reasons. Why I'm here and why I trust you isn't the same as many of the others I've met.
[ more vampires, his rather young roommate he rarely sees since he's never in. everyone else he doesn't care about. ]
[ is there anything to explain? larus shrugs in response. ]
I follow my instincts. [ as if that's all, but he pauses to consider before leading with: ] There's something easy about being with you. I don't know what it is. I don't even know if I like it. But it's there. I've only met one other person I can say that about, and he isn't here.
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Not each other. Me. [ there's a list of reasons why, but he prefers straight and to the point. ] They answered to the one who turned me. If he couldn't have me, then I was better off dead.
[ and there's so much feeling in those few words that larus has to swallow a bit sharply. if he looks away, it might give away too much; so, something should be said about the amount of trust he's placing in dorian with just those bits of information about himself as he looks at him. personal things that he's tried to bury or forget. he won't tell him what he remembers last from being at home, how sun had finally gotten his hands on him and tortured him slowly.
that's something no one needs to know. ]
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Dorian's familiar with the treacherous nature of what happens when relations sour between sires and their vampiric offspring. Sires choosing to kill rather than let people go seems to be a disturbing commonality between worlds.
In a small way, this feels like being faced with Toby's cathartic trauma over killing his sire all over again. But Toby, at least, was thirteen times Larus' age.]
You aren't.
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I don't know. [ soft, under his breath. ] I already am.
[ and has been for years now. it's mostly a state of fact rather than something to simply say, though larus struggles with that as he tilts his head to look at dorian. if he'd really believed those things, he would have allowed sun to tear him apart long ago. but there's more to it than that, just as he thinks there might be more to this. ]
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There's an impulse to reach out, rather than let the situation slip between his fingers the way it has before. It's presumptive in some ways, but with his greatest loss from his home world still fresh in his mind, there's a sharply painful nostalgia in revisiting it like this as similar emotions reflect in another immortal.
If Larus doesn't object, Dorian's going to shift his hand to touch the side of the other man's neck, again unwavering in his intention and what he's offering. It's not meant to be a romantic touch, exactly-- but Dorian understands. He's beyond ordinary human experience. Sometimes considered a monster either by himself or the people around him. He's wavered several times between extremes of being unsure whether to consider himself alive or dead.]
You're still a person. [It's one thing that he believes genuinely. No vampire he's known has ever committed acts or been anything that makes them any different in his eyes to the many thousands of humans he's met with temperaments in infinite shades of gray. Writing someone off because they're undead is simple. Preemptive in a way that doesn't make sense to him.]
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but larus doesn't fight the touch. as much as he protests many things, he's also starved for this kind of affection. casimir had ruined him for it, how easily he'd crawled back to him when he didn't want to think or feel all that anger or the exhaustion of dodging another permanent death by the hands of sun's flunkies. he turns into it, regarding dorian without really saying anything until he reaches out to rest his own hand on dorian's knee. ]
Is that what you see?
[ a gentle urging and reminder as to why he'd come, even if that conversation feels a bit old now that they're so close. ]
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[Perhaps something like a beaten up flower thrown into a pool of standing blood. But that image doesn't really fit either, because there's a strong will and stubborn streak in the man sitting before him. There's softness too, but it's quieter and more buried. Dorian's not sure yet, but it's going to be something he marinates in after this evening.
He appreciates the beauty of Larus' emotional complexity, and the continual discovery that is slowly coming to know him more and more deeply.]
I think you're figuring things out, even as you're facing something impossible.
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You could say that about everyone here.
[ not that he's belittling dorian's response. it's honest, and he appreciates that. it's what he likes about him, he realizes. that he's direct and truthful with him, something that larus always gives regardless of the outcome of a situation. if someone doesn't like it, oh well. if they prefer it, even better. his grip on dorian's knee tightens for a moment before larus simply focuses on the warmth of the hand still pressed to his skin. ]
I could even say that about you, but I think you've figured out plenty already.
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I appreciate the romantics, but I never said that I was one. If you're disappointed, ask me again in a month or two.
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[ larus pulls his hand away then, needing the space for a moment as he tries to decide where to steer this conversation. there's already more he's shared with him than anyone else here, so it's not like it really matters that much if he continues. ]
What difference would a month or two make? [ if he even bothered to actually ask that is. ]
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We'd come to find our places in the city, if they even exist. A lot can, and will, happen in that amount of time.
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I guess that's why they say time will tell. [ a not so amusing thought really. ] I can't say I would be happy about returning home just now anyway.
[ only because his position there isn't a pleasant one, and to distract himself, he takes dorian's hand in his to remove it from its place at his neck and give it a squeeze. ]
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[He glances down at the chilly hand in his, rubbing a thumb thoughtfully over the smoothness of the top of Larus' skin. This is a comfortable kind of intimacy, and he's pleased to be falling into it with someone he can ...
trust? Interesting. Is that really what this is?]
The only degree of separation is that this place is more honest.
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Some things are more honest. [ his voice is quiet. ] You've been honest.
[ as if that's surprising when they'd agreed to be as transparent as possible. larus' expression changes then, the slightest touch of a smile as he presses his thumb to the pulse of dorian's wrist and holds him there. ]
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Dorian considers Larus and the sweetness of the man's (rare, small in this case) smile, before mirroring it back at the vampire.
It is, for a flicker of a moment, a terrible temptation, and one that he's well aware has been destructive in the past.]
I think part of that's your practicality starting to rub off on me, [he teases, deflecting subtly.] Don't tell; I have a reputation as an aimless hedonist to uphold.
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I assumed as much when you said you liked being bitten. [ but that, too, is a tease. ] There's no point in lying. It only makes things difficult.
[ and very tedious to navigate. trying to remember what he'd said in addition to the things that come after wouldn't be very easy if he just lied about everything, and even if dorian doesn't offer the same truth, that's ultimately his own business. ]
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So you haven't ever lied to bend a situation to your liking? [His turns to the vampire.] To make being around someone else more convenient?
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I don't see the point. I'm not going to waste my time being around someone who doesn't want to be around me.
[ maybe it sounds cruel, but time can often be valuable to him, especially depending on what it is he's doing. and the effort it takes to be around someone else? he'll try, but he isn't going to be someone he's not. what everyone sees is what they get—for the most part. ]
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He's just... practical.
Dorian can't imagine what that must feel like.]
You may be one of the first vampires I've met that hasn't had to adopt social manipulation as a survival skill. [Is the Dusk the type of place that allows for that kind of choice? Curious.] The other ones I've spoken to always talk about it as being necessary for being able to live the way they either need, or want to.
[It's not a judgement, it's just another reason why Larus is interesting.]
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That makes it sound like an excuse. [ the pull of his mouth is strained, a shallow expression at the memory of pain followed by the deepest cold he's ever known. ] I was killed by a lie. I never want to be that kind of person.
[ he doesn't want to be like sun. he doesn't want to take, even if he needs it. it's why he tries and struggles so hard with everything. ]
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It's a valiant aim, and one he assumes is unsustainable for any immortal. All of them ("us") end up lying, stealing and killing in the end. In his experience, the world is too messy and merciless to offer any other option.]
I hope you don't become that, either. [For Larus' sake. Because from what he's slowly been gathering from the vampire in drips and drabs about his history, it sounds like it would devastate him.]
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slowly, he pulls away, trying to force those walls up once more. something about all of this makes him feel vulnerable, and larus doesn't know if he likes it. ]
Some things are unavoidable no matter how hard we try, [ he says simply, his expression still a bit sour. ] I'm sure this place will test that.
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I think parts of it can be helped as long as we surround ourselves with people we like. [He's personally met a few so far that he's found charming at best, tolerable at worst.]
And there's one benefit to all of us being brought here against our will: people naturally seek out others they can trust when they're surviving something together.
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but at least this particular topic of conversation is a bit easier for him to digest. ]
You trust people for different reasons. Why I'm here and why I trust you isn't the same as many of the others I've met.
[ more vampires, his rather young roommate he rarely sees since he's never in. everyone else he doesn't care about. ]
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Really. Care to explain? [As he listens, he helps himself to a decent sip of his bourbon, issuing a soft hiss at the burn.]
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I follow my instincts. [ as if that's all, but he pauses to consider before leading with: ] There's something easy about being with you. I don't know what it is. I don't even know if I like it. But it's there. I've only met one other person I can say that about, and he isn't here.
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notifs doing me dirty ):<
they just don't want them to kiss
too bad for them!!
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omg i'm so sorry
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interesting that theyโre hesitant about the exact opposite things
they're honestly ridiculous and i love them for it
800% ridiculous and itโs great
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