[ All Larus does is shake his head, staring out into the darkness and trying to pinpoint anything that moves. There's nothing, and for a moment, he wonders if they're both starting to go crazy. ]
I don't know. But being down here isn't going to help. [ He glances over at Carver, considering, and then, quietly, he sighs. ] We should head back to the rooftops.
[ Carver scans the area, searching for moment. For enemies in the dark. There's something there but they don't go down. Sometimes, he thinks he hears the dry groan of rotters advancing on them. But earlier there were vampires, more than a few, and none of them bled.
But they hurt. That was real, he thinks.
Maybe. ]
They follow us up and we get overwhelmed, it's gonna be a bad time.
[ He loads his pistol. He's ready, either way, and he doesn't have a better idea. ]
They slow down when I shoot them. I can line them up for you. C'mon.
[ It's a quiet comment, giving Carver a careful look before decidedly taking them in a different direction than the original roof they'd met on. He knows this area decently, and there's a building he enters that doesn't need breaking into, climbing the steps quickly and grateful that they make it to the top without being followed.
That doesn't mean they're safe though, double-checking the door as soon as they're both outside again. ]
It could be magic, [ Larus says quietly, detesting the idea but entirely ruling it out. ] Has anything like this happened since you've been here?
[ Hope's a dangerous thing to rely on. Carver thinks it, giving Larus a long look, but doesn't say it. They're in this now. Larus knows the score. Saying that shit like he's a green newbie doesn't get them anything but frustration. Carver follows without a word, climbing up behind Larus and then checking the roof. The horizon line. They can see plenty far up here, which is good, but there aren't many exits if they need to bail.
A balancing act. So it goes.
Carver sucks on his teeth, running a hand through his hair. ]
[ It is dangerous. All of this is dangerous, and it's especially true of everything that's between them currently. They haven't talked, the tension more than obvious, but still, they follow each other. Maybe that speaks volumes of the trust they still have in one another. Maybe it's something else. Larus doesn't want to think about it anymore than he has to right now, moving over to the ledge and glancing down.
If things got bad, there's a rickety fire escape off to the side. Or he could hold onto Carver and climb down. Variables and thoughts, turning his head to glance at him. ]
Any kind, I guess. I don't know a lot of people here who use it. [ There's a pause. ] But it could also be the city doing this somehow.
[ Larus doesn't say anything for a while, mouth thinning into a frown as the comment about it being 'that time'. He can't say he hasn't noticed, but sometimes, it doesn't feel like there's a design to it either. There's a quiet sigh, still watching Carver carefully out of the corner of his eye. ]
Is there a better place we should go?
[ He could, technically, bring them both back where he's staying now, but that would also mean explaining that he'd formed a contract with someone that night he'd left Carver standing on the beach. It's a cold thought, one that sinks through him the longer he stares. ]
[ That's the question, isn't it? Carver just thins his mouth and doesn't say a word. He could bring Larus back to Frost's place, with the wards and the traps, but that would involve explaining this shit and how do you explain any of this? And then there was Larus's promise last time - one that he hasn't acted on, so far as Carver can tell, but proximity does funny things. Pushes people toward extremes.
[ Larus thinks he knows why Carver doesn't offer, but there's still something about it that bothers him. He wonders if that means Frost is more important than he is or if there's something else he hasn't told him about it. Part of him wants to ask, and the other parts of him want to ignore it all. They have something to focus on. He shouldn't be thinking about any of that.
And yet — ]
We'll find one. [ It's an attempt at reassurance. ] Have you seen or heard anything else?
[ If not, then maybe they should discuss what's going on between them. ]
[ We'll find one, Larus says. Carver watches him for a moment, then nods. He wonders if that's a comfort, knowing that they're in this together - at least for now. The last time they spoke didn't end so well, did it?
But they're talking now. Standing close. ]
Just what I told you earlier. People screaming. Rotters in the dark - maybe. Couldn't be sure.
[ He wouldn't leave him, is the thing, and that settles almost viciously inside him in a stark moment of clarity before he crosses his arms lightly over his chest and looks away. Whatever this is, it's more difficult and certainly more complicated than anything he's ever had before. He still aches from it, wishing they could come to see things without fighting about it.
At least this is something. ]
I think that about a lot of things we do together. [ There's never been any doubt there. ] Brandon –
[ He hesitates too, turning just enough to see him. ]
I trust you. [ It's not what he wants to say, but it's all he can manage right now. ]
[ Oh, Carver thinks, and his throat goes suddenly tight. What do you say to that? It doesn't feel like a lie. They move well together. It's not just the sex. When they're in proximity, it feels -
Good. Even in a moment like this, when Carver can smell the gunpowder and his adrenaline's still up. When they're standing together and aren't touching what they said on the beach. That ending.
[ The question catches him off-guard, hands dropping to his sides as he unconsciously moves a step closer.
Of course he does, he wants to say, but it doesn't come. There's nothing for several long seconds, casting a glance over the edge of the roof before moving in to purposely stand close to him. Maybe the vitals he's come to recognize as solely Carver's are different now, but it's still him. This man he trusts with his life. Who's saved him when he could have left him.
Larus thinks about that. ]
Does it feel like I don't?
[ That's the answer he wants, maybe.
Although, realistically, he doesn't really know what he wants. ]
[ There's a lot hanging unspoken between them now. About Frost, the blood, this thing they're doing that they haven't named. That maybe there isn't a name for. It wouldn't have been allowed back home but Carver still asked Larus to fight with him, and Shaw. To stand with them. And maybe it would've been okay if they all found a way back. It's harder with only three but they could've made it work. Operated at night, found a place they could keep and defend. Fought the dead, and whoever was stupid enough to cross them.
But he's dead, Carver thinks unhappily, and maybe this city is all he's got now. ]
You think I made a mistake. That Frost - took advantage of me, or something. He didn't. I wanted this.
Larus hadn't given as much thought to it as he should have, trying to avoid the very thing that caused him all that pain before. He remembers the bitterness, the way it had stung as he'd cried. How he'd wanted to have Carver close but also shove him away, build up those walls again until nothing remained but distance. He can't do that now, gaze settling on Carver's face long before he even considers answering. ]
I don't know if it matters what I think. [ Would it have changed things if they'd talked about this before? Doubtful. ] You made a choice. You can't take that back.
[ And it's clear he wouldn't, which might hurt more than anything else. ]
[ He says it simply. Maybe this is going to be the dividing line between them. Maybe this is one thing the two of them just can’t see the same way. Carver holds very still, fighting the urge to stand at attention. Somehow, he thinks that would make it worse. ]
[ Slowly, Larus turns to face him then and slowly flexes his fingers. ]
Look at me. [ He squeezes his hands tight. ] None of this I chose, and worse– Because someone else decided I needed to fall in line so they could control me, I died. What do you really know about Frost? I mean, really. Maybe he's told you everything you've always wanted to hear. Maybe you even believe him. But people like him? [ Larus shakes his head. ] People like me? They'll use you if given the chance, and it won't matter. You won't matter.
I don't want you to throw your life away for something like that.
[ For promises and what-ifs. Perhaps he is stronger and can better take care of things he feels are important, but at what cost? Larus had already given his life unwillingly, and to watch someone he cares about do it without a second thought? It pains him in a way nothing else ever has. ]
[ Carver holds very still, taking it all in. He doesn’t stand at attention but he can’t shake the instinct to fix his gaze on the horizon line as Larus speaks. You don’t make eye contact. You don’t abide that disrespect when you’re being addressed. ]
No. [ His voice is quiet too, something echoing in the softness of it. ] I don't want to be like that. I want things to be equal between us.
[ And maybe that's not the case considering, but Larus has tried being honest with him. At least, he thinks he has. He's never lied, and he doesn't plan to start now. It might be that very thought that has him ignoring whatever's happening below so he can press into Carver's personal space and touch him—a hand to his shoulder, the side of his neck. ]
[ It would be so easy for Larus to kill him like this, Carver thinks. For anyone. It’s not hard, not like people think. Just a matter of applying pressure, of committing when it matters. And even with Frost’s blood in him, Carver knows that Larus is stronger here. It’s just how things are.
He tips his head back willingly, though. His pulse remains steady.
There’s trust in this. There has been for a while now. ]
You say that like I don’t know. It’s just what people do, Larus.
[ He hesitates. This time, he meets Larus’s eyes. ]
My commander used to drown me. You can feel it when your body starts dying. But it made me stronger, so I took it. You know?
[ Why is it always like this between them? Just when he thinks he understands, pieces continue to filter out into the open, and all Larus does is look at him, a different sort of hurt reflected there in his eyes. That isn't right, he almost says. No one does that. No one should just take it, and not from someone they're supposed to trust. It's an abuse of power, all the things Larus had seen in Sun and had turned his back to.
His other hand lifts, and he cups Carver's face between them both. ]
No. [ It's firm this time. ] I don't know, and I don't think you know either. No one should do those things to you, Brandon. Especially someone like that.
[ Like on the beach, it's beginning to make sense to him. All the things Carver has suffered through, his so-called tests and whatever he says about his god. It's upsetting, and he doesn't know how to help him. ]
[ He knows he should pull away. Put distance between them, make this simple. There ought to be lines between them and there aren't. But Larus's hands are steady and cool, and Carver just presses into it, one hand rising to curl loosely around Larus's wrist. It feels -
Safe, Carver thinks, and nearly laughs at the absurdity of it. It feels safe. ]
It made me strong, [ he repeats, closing his eyes. He doesn't want Larus to pull away, to leave again. ] He knew he could trust me then - they all did. Because the enemy would do worse - did do worse. They had to know they could trust me.
[ If anything, what Carver says only makes him want to stay more. He probably shouldn't, not when it's something like this, but Larus is in too deep now, letting his thumbs trace over the familiar lines of Carver's face. There had been no sense in it in the beginning, and there's no sense in it now. Still, he stands steadfast with him. ]
I trust you, and I would never do those things to you. [ They'd fought, sure, but he'd never wanted to retaliate against him in such a way. He'd taken the pain and weathered through it. ] Pain isn't strength. It just tells you that you're alive. That you're here.
[ Larus steps forward until they're flush together. ] Do you think being with me is just another test?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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I don't know. But being down here isn't going to help. [ He glances over at Carver, considering, and then, quietly, he sighs. ] We should head back to the rooftops.
[ At least they'd have an advantage there. ]
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But they hurt. That was real, he thinks.
Maybe. ]
They follow us up and we get overwhelmed, it's gonna be a bad time.
[ He loads his pistol. He's ready, either way, and he doesn't have a better idea. ]
They slow down when I shoot them. I can line them up for you. C'mon.
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[ It's a quiet comment, giving Carver a careful look before decidedly taking them in a different direction than the original roof they'd met on. He knows this area decently, and there's a building he enters that doesn't need breaking into, climbing the steps quickly and grateful that they make it to the top without being followed.
That doesn't mean they're safe though, double-checking the door as soon as they're both outside again. ]
It could be magic, [ Larus says quietly, detesting the idea but entirely ruling it out. ] Has anything like this happened since you've been here?
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A balancing act. So it goes.
Carver sucks on his teeth, running a hand through his hair. ]
No. Not like this. What kind of magic?
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If things got bad, there's a rickety fire escape off to the side. Or he could hold onto Carver and climb down. Variables and thoughts, turning his head to glance at him. ]
Any kind, I guess. I don't know a lot of people here who use it. [ There's a pause. ] But it could also be the city doing this somehow.
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[ And they're due for trouble right about now. ]
There are good sight lines here. But we can't stay here all night.
[ Not once the sun comes up. ]
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Is there a better place we should go?
[ He could, technically, bring them both back where he's staying now, but that would also mean explaining that he'd formed a contract with someone that night he'd left Carver standing on the beach. It's a cold thought, one that sinks through him the longer he stares. ]
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It wouldn't end well, either way. ]
I don't have one, [ he says finally. ]
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And yet — ]
We'll find one. [ It's an attempt at reassurance. ] Have you seen or heard anything else?
[ If not, then maybe they should discuss what's going on between them. ]
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But they're talking now. Standing close. ]
Just what I told you earlier. People screaming. Rotters in the dark - maybe. Couldn't be sure.
[ He hesitates, watching Larus. ]
We did a good job fighting together.
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At least this is something. ]
I think that about a lot of things we do together. [ There's never been any doubt there. ] Brandon –
[ He hesitates too, turning just enough to see him. ]
I trust you. [ It's not what he wants to say, but it's all he can manage right now. ]
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Good. Even in a moment like this, when Carver can smell the gunpowder and his adrenaline's still up. When they're standing together and aren't touching what they said on the beach. That ending.
His fingers twitch. He exhales slow. ]
Do you?
[ Mostly, he just sounds tired. ]
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Of course he does, he wants to say, but it doesn't come. There's nothing for several long seconds, casting a glance over the edge of the roof before moving in to purposely stand close to him. Maybe the vitals he's come to recognize as solely Carver's are different now, but it's still him. This man he trusts with his life. Who's saved him when he could have left him.
Larus thinks about that. ]
Does it feel like I don't?
[ That's the answer he wants, maybe.
Although, realistically, he doesn't really know what he wants. ]
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But he's dead, Carver thinks unhappily, and maybe this city is all he's got now. ]
You think I made a mistake. That Frost - took advantage of me, or something. He didn't. I wanted this.
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Larus hadn't given as much thought to it as he should have, trying to avoid the very thing that caused him all that pain before. He remembers the bitterness, the way it had stung as he'd cried. How he'd wanted to have Carver close but also shove him away, build up those walls again until nothing remained but distance. He can't do that now, gaze settling on Carver's face long before he even considers answering. ]
I don't know if it matters what I think. [ Would it have changed things if they'd talked about this before? Doubtful. ] You made a choice. You can't take that back.
[ And it's clear he wouldn't, which might hurt more than anything else. ]
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Do you understand why I did it?
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I know why you believe you had to. [ Larus presses his lips thin. ] But I don't think you understand why I can't just accept that it's happened.
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[ He says it simply. Maybe this is going to be the dividing line between them. Maybe this is one thing the two of them just can’t see the same way. Carver holds very still, fighting the urge to stand at attention. Somehow, he thinks that would make it worse. ]
I’m trying, but I don’t.
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Look at me. [ He squeezes his hands tight. ] None of this I chose, and worse– Because someone else decided I needed to fall in line so they could control me, I died. What do you really know about Frost? I mean, really. Maybe he's told you everything you've always wanted to hear. Maybe you even believe him. But people like him? [ Larus shakes his head. ] People like me? They'll use you if given the chance, and it won't matter. You won't matter.
I don't want you to throw your life away for something like that.
[ For promises and what-ifs. Perhaps he is stronger and can better take care of things he feels are important, but at what cost? Larus had already given his life unwillingly, and to watch someone he cares about do it without a second thought? It pains him in a way nothing else ever has. ]
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Would you? Use me?
[ It comes out soft, just like before. ]
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[ And maybe that's not the case considering, but Larus has tried being honest with him. At least, he thinks he has. He's never lied, and he doesn't plan to start now. It might be that very thought that has him ignoring whatever's happening below so he can press into Carver's personal space and touch him—a hand to his shoulder, the side of his neck. ]
But that doesn't mean others won't try.
Cw for torture, cult bullshit
He tips his head back willingly, though. His pulse remains steady.
There’s trust in this. There has been for a while now. ]
You say that like I don’t know. It’s just what people do, Larus.
[ He hesitates. This time, he meets Larus’s eyes. ]
My commander used to drown me. You can feel it when your body starts dying. But it made me stronger, so I took it. You know?
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His other hand lifts, and he cups Carver's face between them both. ]
No. [ It's firm this time. ] I don't know, and I don't think you know either. No one should do those things to you, Brandon. Especially someone like that.
[ Like on the beach, it's beginning to make sense to him. All the things Carver has suffered through, his so-called tests and whatever he says about his god. It's upsetting, and he doesn't know how to help him. ]
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Safe, Carver thinks, and nearly laughs at the absurdity of it. It feels safe. ]
It made me strong, [ he repeats, closing his eyes. He doesn't want Larus to pull away, to leave again. ] He knew he could trust me then - they all did. Because the enemy would do worse - did do worse. They had to know they could trust me.
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I trust you, and I would never do those things to you. [ They'd fought, sure, but he'd never wanted to retaliate against him in such a way. He'd taken the pain and weathered through it. ] Pain isn't strength. It just tells you that you're alive. That you're here.
[ Larus steps forward until they're flush together. ] Do you think being with me is just another test?
Cw for torture, cult bullshit
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