[ He doesn't know if he likes that or not, and in the end, he decides to follow through with shifting and straddling Carver so he's practically in his lap. His fingers find his hair, noses touching as he soaks all of this in. ]
I haven't been one in a long time. [ And I'll be older than you one day, he thinks. ] Does it matter?
[ Something about that hurts him in a way he isn't prepared for, fingers tightening in Carver's hair before he remembers that he doesn't want to hurt him. Maybe it's just easier if this is all that they do, but then, he doesn't think he could ever go back to anything else. No matter how much pain he suffers. ]
Don't say that. [ His voice is quiet. ] I need you to stay with me.
That doesn't mean you're dead here. [ It spills out of him before he can swallow it, conscious of the shiver that tears through him. ] I can feel how alive you are.
[ And they would have time, wouldn't they? As long as they stayed in this place, as long as they didn't leave. ]
[ Carver smooths his hands up Larus’s sides, watching him. Just watching him. If they’d met anywhere else, they would have killed each other and thought nothing of it.
But they didn’t. And that’s the trick, isn’t it? They met here, in this place. ]
[ If he returns home, he's certain he'll die in some way before his time—either because Casimir did something stupid or because Sun killed him. Larus doesn't want to think about that, but it's a reality he faces every time another day passes in this place. Would he go home? Does he even want to now? ]
[ Somewhere else. Carver tips his head back, breathing out slow. He wishes, suddenly, that it didn't feel like such a fever dream. Things never get better, not for long. It's just an endless cycle of fighting, enduring, and fighting again. You live for the in-between moments.
[ Larus has to take the time to exhale. If he could see Sofie again... ]
She already thinks I'm dead. [ And he hasn't gone back to see her either. ] I don't know if there's really anything else worth going back for.
[ He'd wake up to the dark, to the smell of blood and the pain of Sun digging his fingers into his eye. He'd suffer more than he ever would here, no matter how many times Carver unintentionally broke his heart. It doesn't stop him from leaning forward though, gaze focused on nothing but him. ]
I miss her all the time, [ he says, not looking away from him. ] But I'm not the same person she knew. He died years ago.
[ Too soft, too naive. Too trusting. Even now, he might be repeating those mistakes all over again, but Larus can't seem to help it, letting his fingertips stroke over the curve of Carver's cheek as he parses through what else to say. He sighs. ]
[ It changes you, Carver thinks silently. He presses into the touch. Death, dying, going to war. Watching your world end. It kills pieces of you. And no one ever gets that back. ]
Yeah. I do.
[ He shifts a little, and presses a kiss to Larus's palm. ]
[ Part of him wants to disagree with that. How much more would Carver keep from him? But he swallows it down in favor of this moment, watching the way Carver kisses his hand and feeling an ache spread all the way through him at the sweetness of it. He can't think, and maybe he shouldn't.
His fingers curl against the curve of Carver's cheek. ]
[ He knows what Leah means to Carver, knows what family means to him. Perhaps, once again, it's selfish to believe that Larus could just make a place for himself there with them, but hadn't Carver asked him that already? Weren't they supposed to rely on each other?
[ Everything about this moment is soft and easy, like there hasn't been anything painful between them, and Larus leans into him, their noses brushing together. ]
Then I'm with you.
[ It might be a mistake. It might be something he eventually comes to regret, but right now? All Larus wants is to be with him and try to make it work. There's no one else he can trust in this place, and he seals those words with another kiss, gently working his fingers into Carver's hair to hold him there. There's time. They have nothing but time in this place. ]
As long as that's what you want too. [ Otherwise, there's no point. ]
[ He rests quietly against him for a moment, searching for words that probably don't have any real meaning. Often, they're just empty promises, and Larus doesn't like to give them. But everything's been different with Carver, even the pain he still feels every time he thinks about that night on the beach or how different he continues to sound to him when he listens to his vitals.
This is new for him too. He isn't certain he knows what they're doing. ]
It's not something I really know either. But I think it's worth talking about. [ He pauses then, leaning away so he can look him in the eye. ] There's something here.
[ Between them, he means. Larus just doesn't want to say it so specifically. ]
[ Carver tips his head back, just watching Larus. Yeah, he thinks. Yeah, there is. This is something. ]
Is it okay, that I don't know the words? [ he asks finally. ] Me and Riley, we didn't really talk about things. It just was. And then one day it wasn't anymore.
[ He doesn't know what the right or wrong way to do this is supposed to be. Maybe there isn't one, but Larus continues to watch him, taking in the shape of his face and the look in his eyes. Things he'll remember as long as he's there. ]
I'm not sure there are any specific words. I think it's whatever we want them to be. [ Besides, as Carver so graciously pointed out, he's still a kid. He doesn't have the experience for this; more than that, he's afraid it'll kill him in the end. ] You've told me things before.
[ His voice is quiet, clearly searching for something, and in the end, all Larus does is lean to press his face against Carver's shoulder. If it was only like this, it would be simple. But it's not, and he has to think about that even as he slips his hand between them to rest it against Carver's chest. Feel his heartbeat. ]
That night – [ He gently bites at the tip of his tongue. ] I still think about killing him. Frost. Does he mean something to you?
[ Is that why he'd allowed him to do what he'd done? ]
[ That's a harder question to answer, or at least more complicated, but Carver knew it was coming. It had to, didn't it? Carver exhales and just holds Larus against him, breathing slow. ]
He reminds me of Pope, [ Carver says finally. ] Things slot into place with him.
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Still. Carver huffs a little, nudging his head against Larus’s. ]
Shit. You’re still a kid.
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I haven't been one in a long time. [ And I'll be older than you one day, he thinks. ] Does it matter?
[ It never felt like it had. ]
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No, [ he says after a moment. ] Guess it doesn't. You'll live a lot longer than I will, anyway.
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Don't say that. [ His voice is quiet. ] I need you to stay with me.
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I'm human. I already died.
[ He says it as gently as he can. ]
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[ And they would have time, wouldn't they? As long as they stayed in this place, as long as they didn't leave. ]
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But they didn’t. And that’s the trick, isn’t it? They met here, in this place. ]
You think this place will last?
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[ If he returns home, he's certain he'll die in some way before his time—either because Casimir did something stupid or because Sun killed him. Larus doesn't want to think about that, but it's a reality he faces every time another day passes in this place. Would he go home? Does he even want to now? ]
If it doesn't, we can find somewhere else.
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He shivers. ]
What about your sister?
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She already thinks I'm dead. [ And he hasn't gone back to see her either. ] I don't know if there's really anything else worth going back for.
[ He'd wake up to the dark, to the smell of blood and the pain of Sun digging his fingers into his eye. He'd suffer more than he ever would here, no matter how many times Carver unintentionally broke his heart. It doesn't stop him from leaning forward though, gaze focused on nothing but him. ]
But if you don't want me to stay... [ He won't. ]
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[ It comes out quiet. Carver meets his eyes straight on. ]
I want you here. But I know what it feels like to miss a sister.
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[ Too soft, too naive. Too trusting. Even now, he might be repeating those mistakes all over again, but Larus can't seem to help it, letting his fingertips stroke over the curve of Carver's cheek as he parses through what else to say. He sighs. ]
You know me.
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Yeah. I do.
[ He shifts a little, and presses a kiss to Larus's palm. ]
And you know me.
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His fingers curl against the curve of Carver's cheek. ]
I would choose you.
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But he owes his sister too much. He owes her everything, as the last one of their family left standing. ]
I can't leave my sister. I can't, Larus.
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[ He knows what Leah means to Carver, knows what family means to him. Perhaps, once again, it's selfish to believe that Larus could just make a place for himself there with them, but hadn't Carver asked him that already? Weren't they supposed to rely on each other?
Leaning in, Larus gently kisses him. ]
I would go with you. Wherever that might be.
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Couldn't they build something new? Go somewhere else? It's hard with just three but they're strong, they could protect each other.
They could be safe.
Carver shifts to squeeze a hand to the back of Larus's neck. The kiss is gentle. He returns it. ]
Yeah?
[ It comes out soft, just like before. ]
I think - I think I'd like that.
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Then I'm with you.
[ It might be a mistake. It might be something he eventually comes to regret, but right now? All Larus wants is to be with him and try to make it work. There's no one else he can trust in this place, and he seals those words with another kiss, gently working his fingers into Carver's hair to hold him there. There's time. They have nothing but time in this place. ]
As long as that's what you want too. [ Otherwise, there's no point. ]
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He squeezes his hand to the back of Larus’s neck again. Gentle. ]
Good. I don’t —
[ Carver hesitates, struggling for the right words. ]
This is new, for me.
[ Not entirely. He had Riley, once. But he’s never had this, never had anything even similar. ]
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This is new for him too. He isn't certain he knows what they're doing. ]
It's not something I really know either. But I think it's worth talking about. [ He pauses then, leaning away so he can look him in the eye. ] There's something here.
[ Between them, he means. Larus just doesn't want to say it so specifically. ]
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Is it okay, that I don't know the words? [ he asks finally. ] Me and Riley, we didn't really talk about things. It just was. And then one day it wasn't anymore.
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I'm not sure there are any specific words. I think it's whatever we want them to be. [ Besides, as Carver so graciously pointed out, he's still a kid. He doesn't have the experience for this; more than that, he's afraid it'll kill him in the end. ] You've told me things before.
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[ A simple truth. He's told Larus things that no one else here knows. It wasn't planned, but it happened.
Carver squeezes the back of Larus's neck. Gentle. ]
So've you.
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[ His voice is quiet, clearly searching for something, and in the end, all Larus does is lean to press his face against Carver's shoulder. If it was only like this, it would be simple. But it's not, and he has to think about that even as he slips his hand between them to rest it against Carver's chest. Feel his heartbeat. ]
That night – [ He gently bites at the tip of his tongue. ] I still think about killing him. Frost. Does he mean something to you?
[ Is that why he'd allowed him to do what he'd done? ]
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He reminds me of Pope, [ Carver says finally. ] Things slot into place with him.
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