[ He rests quietly against him for a moment, searching for words that probably don't have any real meaning. Often, they're just empty promises, and Larus doesn't like to give them. But everything's been different with Carver, even the pain he still feels every time he thinks about that night on the beach or how different he continues to sound to him when he listens to his vitals.
This is new for him too. He isn't certain he knows what they're doing. ]
It's not something I really know either. But I think it's worth talking about. [ He pauses then, leaning away so he can look him in the eye. ] There's something here.
[ Between them, he means. Larus just doesn't want to say it so specifically. ]
[ Carver tips his head back, just watching Larus. Yeah, he thinks. Yeah, there is. This is something. ]
Is it okay, that I don't know the words? [ he asks finally. ] Me and Riley, we didn't really talk about things. It just was. And then one day it wasn't anymore.
[ He doesn't know what the right or wrong way to do this is supposed to be. Maybe there isn't one, but Larus continues to watch him, taking in the shape of his face and the look in his eyes. Things he'll remember as long as he's there. ]
I'm not sure there are any specific words. I think it's whatever we want them to be. [ Besides, as Carver so graciously pointed out, he's still a kid. He doesn't have the experience for this; more than that, he's afraid it'll kill him in the end. ] You've told me things before.
[ His voice is quiet, clearly searching for something, and in the end, all Larus does is lean to press his face against Carver's shoulder. If it was only like this, it would be simple. But it's not, and he has to think about that even as he slips his hand between them to rest it against Carver's chest. Feel his heartbeat. ]
That night – [ He gently bites at the tip of his tongue. ] I still think about killing him. Frost. Does he mean something to you?
[ Is that why he'd allowed him to do what he'd done? ]
[ That's a harder question to answer, or at least more complicated, but Carver knew it was coming. It had to, didn't it? Carver exhales and just holds Larus against him, breathing slow. ]
He reminds me of Pope, [ Carver says finally. ] Things slot into place with him.
[ He doesn't know if he likes that answer, not when he understands more of what Carver had lived through back home. ]
Because he tells you what to do? Gives you some kind of test?
[ It's not accusatory, just... uncertain. Cautious. Whatever Carver says here could change things, and as much as he thinks about it, he doesn't want to kill Frost when he could just ignore him. ]
[ That's part of it, but not the whole picture. Carver doesn't say anything for a moment, trying to find the right words. He's never had to explain this before. Never wanted to try. ]
We have an arrangement. I know where I'm supposed to fit. We both understand that. And he -
[ Maybe this isn't something they should talk about after all.
It causes him to fight within himself, tensing for a moment before forcing himself to relax against Carver again. He's never really had to face these kinds of things before, and it's because he cares, probably too much, that he's there trying to figure it out. ]
No one can know a god. [ Their teachings, possibly. He doesn't know if that's what he means or not. But he does lean back to look at him, his voice soft. ] Why is that so important to you? Why does it matter when he hurt you?
[ This close, it's impossible to miss the way that Larus tenses. Carver nuzzles against him, wishing - he doesn't know. That he had a way to make it better. But he doesn't.
Some things just are. ]
Pain is a test. It's good, Larus. It means I can take it.
[ Frost cut him up. Made him bleed. It felt fitting. Pope did more than that - a lot more. Some of it scarred. But it was good, it was for the good of the group, their little family. It made him strong. ]
I know you don't believe, but I do. I need that, okay?
[ Pain is pain, he wants to say, but in the end, all he does is remain silent. Maybe all this suffering is a test, proving to him that trusting someone and needing someone is always going to hurt. But he's tired of feeling alone, like there's nothing else worth existing for beyond his anger and his revenge. Maybe this is all there really is to life. ]
Fine, [ he whispers eventually, reluctantly. ] But if he does it again, I really will kill him.
[ Or maybe just leave altogether. It's a thought that sits with him even as he presses his face a little harder against Carver's shoulder and goes still. ]
[ Silently, Carver cups a hand to the back of Larus’s head. Just holding him there, slowing his breathing down. He’s gentle about it, or as gentle as he knows how to be. There are parts of this he doesn’t understand, maybe can’t understand, but this thing between them —
It’s real. It matters. Doesn’t it?
He runs his fingers through Larus’s hair with a sigh. ]
I’m asking you not to. It’s not like he beats me for the fun of it.
[ It matters, and that's why Larus hasn't pulled away from it entirely. He would bleed for Carver if it came down to it, but asking all of this from him is almost too much, squeezing his eyes shut tighter against the careful drag of Carver's fingers through his hair.
Placating him? He can't tell anymore. ]
I can't. [ He struggles to find the words. ] I can't make that promise.
[ You're weak, he hears Sun say, then. An echo in the back of his mind. I could make you so much better than this. Larus shudders. ]
Even if I tried, it might not matter. Maybe he'd kill me instead.
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He squeezes his hand to the back of Larus’s neck again. Gentle. ]
Good. I don’t —
[ Carver hesitates, struggling for the right words. ]
This is new, for me.
[ Not entirely. He had Riley, once. But he’s never had this, never had anything even similar. ]
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This is new for him too. He isn't certain he knows what they're doing. ]
It's not something I really know either. But I think it's worth talking about. [ He pauses then, leaning away so he can look him in the eye. ] There's something here.
[ Between them, he means. Larus just doesn't want to say it so specifically. ]
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Is it okay, that I don't know the words? [ he asks finally. ] Me and Riley, we didn't really talk about things. It just was. And then one day it wasn't anymore.
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I'm not sure there are any specific words. I think it's whatever we want them to be. [ Besides, as Carver so graciously pointed out, he's still a kid. He doesn't have the experience for this; more than that, he's afraid it'll kill him in the end. ] You've told me things before.
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[ A simple truth. He's told Larus things that no one else here knows. It wasn't planned, but it happened.
Carver squeezes the back of Larus's neck. Gentle. ]
So've you.
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[ His voice is quiet, clearly searching for something, and in the end, all Larus does is lean to press his face against Carver's shoulder. If it was only like this, it would be simple. But it's not, and he has to think about that even as he slips his hand between them to rest it against Carver's chest. Feel his heartbeat. ]
That night – [ He gently bites at the tip of his tongue. ] I still think about killing him. Frost. Does he mean something to you?
[ Is that why he'd allowed him to do what he'd done? ]
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He reminds me of Pope, [ Carver says finally. ] Things slot into place with him.
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Because he tells you what to do? Gives you some kind of test?
[ It's not accusatory, just... uncertain. Cautious. Whatever Carver says here could change things, and as much as he thinks about it, he doesn't want to kill Frost when he could just ignore him. ]
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[ That's part of it, but not the whole picture. Carver doesn't say anything for a moment, trying to find the right words. He's never had to explain this before. Never wanted to try. ]
We have an arrangement. I know where I'm supposed to fit. We both understand that. And he -
[ Carver exhales. ]
He knows God. Like Pope did.
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It causes him to fight within himself, tensing for a moment before forcing himself to relax against Carver again. He's never really had to face these kinds of things before, and it's because he cares, probably too much, that he's there trying to figure it out. ]
No one can know a god. [ Their teachings, possibly. He doesn't know if that's what he means or not. But he does lean back to look at him, his voice soft. ] Why is that so important to you? Why does it matter when he hurt you?
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Some things just are. ]
Pain is a test. It's good, Larus. It means I can take it.
[ Frost cut him up. Made him bleed. It felt fitting. Pope did more than that - a lot more. Some of it scarred. But it was good, it was for the good of the group, their little family. It made him strong. ]
I know you don't believe, but I do. I need that, okay?
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Fine, [ he whispers eventually, reluctantly. ] But if he does it again, I really will kill him.
[ Or maybe just leave altogether. It's a thought that sits with him even as he presses his face a little harder against Carver's shoulder and goes still. ]
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It’s real. It matters. Doesn’t it?
He runs his fingers through Larus’s hair with a sigh. ]
I’m asking you not to. It’s not like he beats me for the fun of it.
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Placating him? He can't tell anymore. ]
I can't. [ He struggles to find the words. ] I can't make that promise.
[ You're weak, he hears Sun say, then. An echo in the back of his mind. I could make you so much better than this. Larus shudders. ]
Even if I tried, it might not matter. Maybe he'd kill me instead.
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I don’t want you to die.