[ He doesn't know if he likes that answer, not when he understands more of what Carver had lived through back home. ]
Because he tells you what to do? Gives you some kind of test?
[ It's not accusatory, just... uncertain. Cautious. Whatever Carver says here could change things, and as much as he thinks about it, he doesn't want to kill Frost when he could just ignore him. ]
[ That's part of it, but not the whole picture. Carver doesn't say anything for a moment, trying to find the right words. He's never had to explain this before. Never wanted to try. ]
We have an arrangement. I know where I'm supposed to fit. We both understand that. And he -
[ Maybe this isn't something they should talk about after all.
It causes him to fight within himself, tensing for a moment before forcing himself to relax against Carver again. He's never really had to face these kinds of things before, and it's because he cares, probably too much, that he's there trying to figure it out. ]
No one can know a god. [ Their teachings, possibly. He doesn't know if that's what he means or not. But he does lean back to look at him, his voice soft. ] Why is that so important to you? Why does it matter when he hurt you?
[ This close, it's impossible to miss the way that Larus tenses. Carver nuzzles against him, wishing - he doesn't know. That he had a way to make it better. But he doesn't.
Some things just are. ]
Pain is a test. It's good, Larus. It means I can take it.
[ Frost cut him up. Made him bleed. It felt fitting. Pope did more than that - a lot more. Some of it scarred. But it was good, it was for the good of the group, their little family. It made him strong. ]
I know you don't believe, but I do. I need that, okay?
[ Pain is pain, he wants to say, but in the end, all he does is remain silent. Maybe all this suffering is a test, proving to him that trusting someone and needing someone is always going to hurt. But he's tired of feeling alone, like there's nothing else worth existing for beyond his anger and his revenge. Maybe this is all there really is to life. ]
Fine, [ he whispers eventually, reluctantly. ] But if he does it again, I really will kill him.
[ Or maybe just leave altogether. It's a thought that sits with him even as he presses his face a little harder against Carver's shoulder and goes still. ]
[ Silently, Carver cups a hand to the back of Larus’s head. Just holding him there, slowing his breathing down. He’s gentle about it, or as gentle as he knows how to be. There are parts of this he doesn’t understand, maybe can’t understand, but this thing between them —
It’s real. It matters. Doesn’t it?
He runs his fingers through Larus’s hair with a sigh. ]
I’m asking you not to. It’s not like he beats me for the fun of it.
[ It matters, and that's why Larus hasn't pulled away from it entirely. He would bleed for Carver if it came down to it, but asking all of this from him is almost too much, squeezing his eyes shut tighter against the careful drag of Carver's fingers through his hair.
Placating him? He can't tell anymore. ]
I can't. [ He struggles to find the words. ] I can't make that promise.
[ You're weak, he hears Sun say, then. An echo in the back of his mind. I could make you so much better than this. Larus shudders. ]
Even if I tried, it might not matter. Maybe he'd kill me instead.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Because he tells you what to do? Gives you some kind of test?
[ It's not accusatory, just... uncertain. Cautious. Whatever Carver says here could change things, and as much as he thinks about it, he doesn't want to kill Frost when he could just ignore him. ]
no subject
[ That's part of it, but not the whole picture. Carver doesn't say anything for a moment, trying to find the right words. He's never had to explain this before. Never wanted to try. ]
We have an arrangement. I know where I'm supposed to fit. We both understand that. And he -
[ Carver exhales. ]
He knows God. Like Pope did.
no subject
It causes him to fight within himself, tensing for a moment before forcing himself to relax against Carver again. He's never really had to face these kinds of things before, and it's because he cares, probably too much, that he's there trying to figure it out. ]
No one can know a god. [ Their teachings, possibly. He doesn't know if that's what he means or not. But he does lean back to look at him, his voice soft. ] Why is that so important to you? Why does it matter when he hurt you?
no subject
Some things just are. ]
Pain is a test. It's good, Larus. It means I can take it.
[ Frost cut him up. Made him bleed. It felt fitting. Pope did more than that - a lot more. Some of it scarred. But it was good, it was for the good of the group, their little family. It made him strong. ]
I know you don't believe, but I do. I need that, okay?
no subject
Fine, [ he whispers eventually, reluctantly. ] But if he does it again, I really will kill him.
[ Or maybe just leave altogether. It's a thought that sits with him even as he presses his face a little harder against Carver's shoulder and goes still. ]
no subject
It’s real. It matters. Doesn’t it?
He runs his fingers through Larus’s hair with a sigh. ]
I’m asking you not to. It’s not like he beats me for the fun of it.
no subject
Placating him? He can't tell anymore. ]
I can't. [ He struggles to find the words. ] I can't make that promise.
[ You're weak, he hears Sun say, then. An echo in the back of his mind. I could make you so much better than this. Larus shudders. ]
Even if I tried, it might not matter. Maybe he'd kill me instead.
no subject
I don’t want you to die.