[ He doesn't know what it would mean either. This isn't something he's ever done before or even spoken about with anyone. He and Casimir had never officially been together, but Larus had also never sought anyone else out in the same manner either. This thing with Carver is so much more than that though, slowly shifting so he can sit up.
His hands rest on Carver's chest, and he needs that, he thinks. He needs this connection. ]
It could mean anything we wanted it to, [ he says eventually, fingertips stroking down his chest. ] Is that all you want? To keep seeing me?
[ Slowly, Carver opens his eyes so he can look at Larus. Take him all in. The way they’re watching each other, how Larus rests his hands on Carver’s chest. Steadying. ]
Seems like a place to start, [ he says softly. ] That okay?
[ He isn't sure if this is a choice or not. Larus had already decided he'd wanted to be with Carver in some way, and if he says no, it's counterintuitive to what he actually wants. To what Carver seems to want as well. So, in the end, all Larus does is nod before realizing he should probably speak. ]
Yes. [ He frowns, and then, his expression smooths. ] I already told you that I couldn't stop thinking about you. I don't want this to stop either.
[ It seems like there ought to be more to it. For all the ways they’ve collided, the agreement here feels almost too simple. Carver watches Larus for a long moment, taking him in. Then he exhales. ]
I tell you how me and Riley got together? I don’t think I did.
[ He shakes his head a little. ]
There’s shit you don’t do in the Army. Joke about fucking men, whatever that’s just a thing people say. But you don’t get caught.
[ It’s all said rather simply. Just how it was. ]
He was a door gunner. Picked my squad up a couple times when we were out beyond the wire. God, he looked good when he stood in the sun. And I could see him watching me, sometimes. Didn’t mind. I wouldn’t have done anything but I knew. And then one day his crew got hit by an RPG.
He walked it off, [ Carver adds softly. ] But the pilot died, and Riley got torn up. Nearly lost an eye. I went to see him after the medics let him go, and he grabbed me by the collar and shoved me against the wall. Right there where anyone could’ve seen. I could taste the blood when he kissed me. Thought it was a little fucked up but that was just how it went. That — collision.
[ Like this, he thinks, watching Larus. Wondering if maybe he’s just rambling on about the past and a man Larus has never met and will never know. Maybe none of this makes sense. But he tells the story anyway, the way he’s told Larus so much that no one else know. They mirror each other in that way. This is just a continuation. ]
[ It's strange to think, now, that there are all these subtle differences between them, listening to Carver talk and picking out the things he doesn't quite understand. He'd never been in the military or heard anyone really talk about it. His family hadn't touched those kinds of politics, only briefly when his father had decided to begin courting contacts in The Factory. But that's a different sort of army, one that no one has any right to control, and more than that, he wonders if there's a place in his world where it's not openly spoken about to be with someone of the same gender.
Maybe. He isn't so widely traveled though.
Still, Carver telling him all of this has some sort of point to it, thinking back to the times they've collided and how much they've hurt each other. How much Larus refuses to do that to him now. He stares at him, searching through the darkness and trying to push the pieces together. ]
Sometimes, I think that sort of violence finds people and doesn't let them go. You search for it because you don't know anything else. Or you might not want anything else.
[ His expression twists, clearly uncertain as his fingers curl against Carver's chest. ]
Casimir and I weren't even together. Not like that. [ Not like Carver and Riley had been. ] We wanted different things all the time. I could only think about killing Sun, and he tried so hard to free others like him. Gifted, supernatural – whatever you want to call it. It didn't matter if it cost him his own life. I didn't care if my revenge cost me mine.
[ He doesn't know why he's saying this. ] At least you had someone who could see you.
[ When he swallows, this time, it hurts, and he grits his teeth, struggling with the emotion that rises up in his chest. There's too much truth in the words that sit on the tip of his tongue, the breath he exhales harsh when he leans down and rests his forehead to Carver's. ]
I want you to see me, Brandon. No one else ever has.
[ They watch each other, and they tell each other the truth, and who's to say where that ends? What it will cost? Carver exhales and cups a hand to the back of Larus's neck, holding him steady. Rubbing at his head. He tries to be gentle about it. This time, they aren't hurting each other. ]
Like's drawn to like, [ he says softly. ] It didn't last with Riley. I wanted it to but it didn't. I needed things he didn't.
[ The war. The way clarity comes from violence. ]
I do. See you.
[ He squeezes the back of Larus's neck, closing his eyes. ]
[ It didn't last because nothing ever does. Not really. Will this last, he wonders. It can only reach so far as neither of them getting sent back home, an unsettling thought because Carver is dead in his world and Larus... well, all he remembers is darkness and pain from his. And if they somehow manage to stay there for years, Larus doesn't age.
But he has to push that aside and not think of it in terms of forever. This is something they just do. ]
What do you think you know about me?
[ Larus presses into him, wanting to be close. Before, at the start, he'd told him he didn't know him. Now, he isn't so sure that's true anymore. ]
[ There’s weight to that question. Carver sighs, thinking it over. He’s not good with words, not really. That was never his role. But he knows how it feels to have Larus pressed against him, the way they hold each other now — the care in it — and that doesn’t come from nothing. You have to build that.
He runs his fingers through Larus’s hair. Gentle, just like before. His voice is soft. ]
You put on a good mask. All stoic. I hated that about you at first. But I get it now, I think. It’s easier, isn’t it?
[ Maybe that's all it is. A mask, a front. Something to hide behind to protect himself. There's no point to any of it when he's with Carver though, or when he's here in this place. Still, he seeks out the gentleness of Carver's touch and the warmth that comes with it, unwilling to speak for the seconds it takes him to lean forward and kiss him.
He kisses him until he knows he's breathless and then slowly pulls away to move onto his side next to Carver. ]
Nothing is ever that easy. [ His focus is all on the man beside him. ] But this is. I don't know why it's like that.
[ There’s no room for thinking when they move together like this. Carver cups a hand to the back of Larus’s neck as they kiss. He goes a little breathless and doesn’t mind, doesn’t do a damn thing but settle.
Funny, that. It’s so rare for him to slow down long enough for that.
He cracks his eyes, just watching Larus. Taking him in. ]
[ He doubts that but says nothing about it, wanting to kiss him again. All of this is more than something that happens now, resting his weight on an elbow and using his free hand to reach out and touch Carver's face. His thumb sweeps along his cheek, his jaw. ]
Do you really believe that?
[ Larus wonders if it's anything like fate and if Carver believes in that too. ]
[ He shifts a little so he can run his fingers through Larus's hair again. Keep up the gesture. It's almost meditative now. Something calming even as Larus touches him in turn. Tracing him out. Carver doesn't mind. It's what they do, what they've done for a while now.
The pattern builds. It stretches out. ]
Some things you just survive. It just is.
[ All that awful, brutal shit. It can't be changed, so you endure. He watches for a long time, just touching his hair. Rubbing at his head. Then: ]
[ He can't help the way his eyes close, how it'd be easy to press closer and drag Carver's arms around him. Just to feel that connection, to be secure in this place that's still strange to them both. It doesn't filter in all at once, but Larus realizes, in that very moment, that he's tired. Tired of the games, the masks, this strained sort of existence.
But being free of it means death, and he doesn't want to die. ]
Maybe. [ The agreement is soft. ] I never let myself think about those things, but it's different with you.
[ Carver nods just once. It wasn't like this at the start. He approached Larus because he was paid to and that should have been the end of it. But it spiraled. It shifted into something different. ]
It is.
[ He's quiet for a long moment, then shifts and puts an arm around Larus. ]
Don't know what it means. But I like how it feels with you.
[ It's a quiet moment, something that's pulled even tighter when Carver embraces him, and he leans close, breathing him in and listening to the gentle sound of his heart beating. These are things he'll never forget, doesn't want to forget. It's odd how intense that feeling is right now. ]
Tell me what else you like.
[ An obvious deflection, though he presses his mouth to the column of Carver's throat to soften it. ]
[ Carver huffs a little, tipping his head back to bare his throat. With anyone else, it would be a threat. Something to be met viciously. Here, it’s just a continuation. And he closes his eyes, settling. ]
Oh, I see how it is. [ A light tease. He runs his fingers through Larus’s hair. Always, always gentle. ] Mhmm. I like this. How you fuck me. When you let me fuck you. How it feels when you grab my hair.
[ Good, tactile things. It matters. He’s quiet for a moment, still touching Larus’s hair. ]
I like how you tell me the truth, [ he adds, a little softer. ]
[ He thinks about sinking his teeth in, tasting him and repeating this thing that's gotten them this far. The feeling is always, always there, but he ignores it, almost gentle as he kisses a path upward. Larus presses his lips to Carver's jaw, his chin. His fingers find their way into his hair, and he draws their faces close. ]
I like those things too. [ It's almost difficult to admit, his voice oddly thick. ] Being with you is –
[ His eyes settle on him. ] I've never had this with anyone else.
[ That sits between them for a long moment. Carver just pulls Larus tighter to him, breathing out slow. They're both more dressed than not. It ought to be awkward but it isn't somehow. It just is. ]
[ He doesn't know how to answer that for a while, settling against him instead and sinking into Carver's embrace until there's nothing else to think about but this. Larus wonders if any of this is going to last, if it actually means something. Outside of the sex, they haven't really done much else together.
Tipping his head, he presses his lips to Carver's jaw. ]
I want it to be. [ There's an even longer pause. ] How do you feel about a date?
[ It's not something he'd considered either, but it feels right to ask, leaning into the fingers in his hair. If this is something that's going to happen between them, maybe they should try to make it more. ]
I don't know. I never had time to do those things back home. [ Larus looks at him. ] What would you want to do?
[ He knows, realistically, that it shouldn't a hard question. People go out all the time. They do this shit even in weird places like Duplicity. And he did this shit once, with Riley. With a couple other people in high school. So just pick something. ]
Me and Riley used to go out and play darts, [ he says finally. ] You wanna do that?
Larus pushes back enough to balance on an elbow and really look at Carver's face, his knuckles gently pressing into the curve of his cheek. They shouldn't be having this conversation, not when they're only agreeing to continue doing this thing between them, but it seems like a natural progression of things. ]
You'll have to show me how to play.
[ Quiet agreement, and he tilts forward to kiss him. ]
[ That gets a faint smile as Carver hums into the kiss, cupping his hand to the back of Larus’s neck. He likes the idea of teaching Larus something new. ]
I can do that, [ he agrees softly. ] I’d offer to cook for you, or something, but I don’t think you eat.
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It’s dangerous to want things beyond sheer survival. People use it against you. ]
I don’t know what that’d mean, [ he admits softy. ] But I don’t want to stop. What we do. How we are.
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His hands rest on Carver's chest, and he needs that, he thinks. He needs this connection. ]
It could mean anything we wanted it to, [ he says eventually, fingertips stroking down his chest. ] Is that all you want? To keep seeing me?
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Seems like a place to start, [ he says softly. ] That okay?
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Yes. [ He frowns, and then, his expression smooths. ] I already told you that I couldn't stop thinking about you. I don't want this to stop either.
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I tell you how me and Riley got together? I don’t think I did.
[ He shakes his head a little. ]
There’s shit you don’t do in the Army. Joke about fucking men, whatever that’s just a thing people say. But you don’t get caught.
[ It’s all said rather simply. Just how it was. ]
He was a door gunner. Picked my squad up a couple times when we were out beyond the wire. God, he looked good when he stood in the sun. And I could see him watching me, sometimes. Didn’t mind. I wouldn’t have done anything but I knew. And then one day his crew got hit by an RPG.
He walked it off, [ Carver adds softly. ] But the pilot died, and Riley got torn up. Nearly lost an eye. I went to see him after the medics let him go, and he grabbed me by the collar and shoved me against the wall. Right there where anyone could’ve seen. I could taste the blood when he kissed me. Thought it was a little fucked up but that was just how it went. That — collision.
[ Like this, he thinks, watching Larus. Wondering if maybe he’s just rambling on about the past and a man Larus has never met and will never know. Maybe none of this makes sense. But he tells the story anyway, the way he’s told Larus so much that no one else know. They mirror each other in that way. This is just a continuation. ]
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Maybe. He isn't so widely traveled though.
Still, Carver telling him all of this has some sort of point to it, thinking back to the times they've collided and how much they've hurt each other. How much Larus refuses to do that to him now. He stares at him, searching through the darkness and trying to push the pieces together. ]
Sometimes, I think that sort of violence finds people and doesn't let them go. You search for it because you don't know anything else. Or you might not want anything else.
[ His expression twists, clearly uncertain as his fingers curl against Carver's chest. ]
Casimir and I weren't even together. Not like that. [ Not like Carver and Riley had been. ] We wanted different things all the time. I could only think about killing Sun, and he tried so hard to free others like him. Gifted, supernatural – whatever you want to call it. It didn't matter if it cost him his own life. I didn't care if my revenge cost me mine.
[ He doesn't know why he's saying this. ] At least you had someone who could see you.
[ When he swallows, this time, it hurts, and he grits his teeth, struggling with the emotion that rises up in his chest. There's too much truth in the words that sit on the tip of his tongue, the breath he exhales harsh when he leans down and rests his forehead to Carver's. ]
I want you to see me, Brandon. No one else ever has.
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Like's drawn to like, [ he says softly. ] It didn't last with Riley. I wanted it to but it didn't. I needed things he didn't.
[ The war. The way clarity comes from violence. ]
I do. See you.
[ He squeezes the back of Larus's neck, closing his eyes. ]
I know you, I think.
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But he has to push that aside and not think of it in terms of forever. This is something they just do. ]
What do you think you know about me?
[ Larus presses into him, wanting to be close. Before, at the start, he'd told him he didn't know him. Now, he isn't so sure that's true anymore. ]
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He runs his fingers through Larus’s hair. Gentle, just like before. His voice is soft. ]
You put on a good mask. All stoic. I hated that about you at first. But I get it now, I think. It’s easier, isn’t it?
[ Masks usually are. ]
And you love your sister. You always will.
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He kisses him until he knows he's breathless and then slowly pulls away to move onto his side next to Carver. ]
Nothing is ever that easy. [ His focus is all on the man beside him. ] But this is. I don't know why it's like that.
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Funny, that. It’s so rare for him to slow down long enough for that.
He cracks his eyes, just watching Larus. Taking him in. ]
Neither do I. Maybe it just is.
[ Collision. Aftermath. This. ]
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Do you really believe that?
[ Larus wonders if it's anything like fate and if Carver believes in that too. ]
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The pattern builds. It stretches out. ]
Some things you just survive. It just is.
[ All that awful, brutal shit. It can't be changed, so you endure. He watches for a long time, just touching his hair. Rubbing at his head. Then: ]
So maybe that's true for the good stuff too.
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But being free of it means death, and he doesn't want to die. ]
Maybe. [ The agreement is soft. ] I never let myself think about those things, but it's different with you.
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It is.
[ He's quiet for a long moment, then shifts and puts an arm around Larus. ]
Don't know what it means. But I like how it feels with you.
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Tell me what else you like.
[ An obvious deflection, though he presses his mouth to the column of Carver's throat to soften it. ]
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Oh, I see how it is. [ A light tease. He runs his fingers through Larus’s hair. Always, always gentle. ] Mhmm. I like this. How you fuck me. When you let me fuck you. How it feels when you grab my hair.
[ Good, tactile things. It matters. He’s quiet for a moment, still touching Larus’s hair. ]
I like how you tell me the truth, [ he adds, a little softer. ]
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I like those things too. [ It's almost difficult to admit, his voice oddly thick. ] Being with you is –
[ His eyes settle on him. ] I've never had this with anyone else.
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Is that okay?
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Tipping his head, he presses his lips to Carver's jaw. ]
I want it to be. [ There's an even longer pause. ] How do you feel about a date?
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Doing what?
[ He and Riley used to go out sometimes, but that was a lifetime ago. ]
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I don't know. I never had time to do those things back home. [ Larus looks at him. ] What would you want to do?
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Me and Riley used to go out and play darts, [ he says finally. ] You wanna do that?
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Larus pushes back enough to balance on an elbow and really look at Carver's face, his knuckles gently pressing into the curve of his cheek. They shouldn't be having this conversation, not when they're only agreeing to continue doing this thing between them, but it seems like a natural progression of things. ]
You'll have to show me how to play.
[ Quiet agreement, and he tilts forward to kiss him. ]
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I can do that, [ he agrees softly. ] I’d offer to cook for you, or something, but I don’t think you eat.
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