[ For the moment, this is more than enough. It really is sad how such basic acts of concern mean so much to him, and at some point he's going to have to do some introspection about what a lifetime of losing people he cares about and pushing everyone else away have done to his standards for friendship.
He doesn't move away, just slips his arms around Larus to hold himself close. There's a nasty intrusive thought at the back of his mind that Larus won't want Khadgar to keep touching him if he knows everything he's done, but he does his best to ignore it. ]
Yes, I'm still sore, in a number of places I didn't know I could be sore. But it's not bad. [ He's quiet for a moment before adding: ] I asked for all of it. More than asked in some cases. I don't think that means I can complain about how I feel now.
[ He's not a particularly judgmental person by nature; or, at least, when it comes to these types of things, he doesn't care. It had never mattered to him before, so why would it matter now? Khadgar isn't aware of the things he does either, and Larus doesn't think they're really in a position to discuss those types of things anyway. So, whatever he'd gotten out of this party, it really has no effect on him beyond this current moment. ]
I think you can do whatever you want. If it makes you feel better to talk about it, I'll listen. [ He relaxes into the hold, his other hand gently resting against Khadgar's back. ] I don't know. Whatever you need, I'll try to give it to you.
I think the problem is, I don't know what I need. I haven't had to think about it before.
[ Maybe that's the problem, he realizes. Maybe he wouldn't feel so uncomfortable if he had never had Bo to take care of him, if he didn't know what it was like to get put back together without having to ask for it, or figure out how to make it work. Just as quickly, he feels terrible for missing her, for even thinking about her when Larus is right here offering his help, and his breath hitches as he tries, and fails, to not look disappointed in himself.
He pulls back enough to lock the door and glances around awkwardly. ] Do you want to sit down? If you're going to listen to me ramble, I can at least let you get comfortable.
[ He's never been good at things like this, even before he'd died. Whatever comfort he'd offered anyone had stopped at his sister and Egil, and after that, he'd sort of pushed it aside in favor of survival. Not necessarily to never trust anyone but to protect himself from feeling anything whatsoever. But he really needs to start making an effort, strengthen his contacts and the people who might or might not want to know him.
What does he actually know about Khadgar anyway? Larus looks at him and realizes that it's very little. ]
It doesn't matter. You can sit with me and talk. [ Before he can argue the point, Larus takes his hand and leads them to the nearest seat that might be comfortable. ] And if you don't want to say anything, you don't have to.
[ The fact that he knows to bring Khadgar over to the couch instead of giving him time to argue is a sign that Larus is already learning some quality things about his personality. Khadgar winces a little as he sits down, but curling up next to Larus is worth the initial annoyance of moving. ]
Oh, I donโt think Iโm capable of staying quiet for too long, but I appreciate your willingness to sit here with me anyway.
[ He laughs a little, and it feels like a good start to pulling his mood back up. ]
Did you hear anything about the party at Fangtasy? I could have invited you but I didnโt think it would be your thing. I wasnโt even sure it would be my thing, to be honest.
[ He would think it odd how quickly they find a comfortable position together, but Larus is trying not to overthink it. If he did, he knows he'd leave, and that isn't going to help either of them right now. Besides, talking is certainly better than sitting however awkwardly in silence. ]
I knew about it. [ Not that he frequents Fangtasy; people just happen to talk. ] I don't need more reasons to indulge in something I don't like, and those parties always end the same way.
[ There's a frown, moving enough to lightly touch the curve of Khadgar's cheek. ]
You shouldn't feel guilty about it if you enjoyed it.
[ That's exactly what Khadgar needs to hear, and he leans into the touch at his cheek with a look of relief. It's one thing for him to try to convince himself that he didn't really do anything wrong, but it's another to hear it unprompted from someone whose opinion he genuinely cares about. ]
I'm very good at carrying guilt though. It's a well-honed skill. [ He tries to laugh, but it's probably clear he's not entirely joking. ] I think the problem is... the first time I was here, I got into a contract quickly. Have I told you much about Bo? My succubus dominant? I promise, I'm going somewhere with this.
[ That brings a smile to his face, as thinking about her often does. ]
[ It's obvious, but it isn't Larus' place to judge. Guilt is something he's familiar with, and yet, it feels like a distant cousin to the countless other things he always carries around himself. And gently, he lets his thumb rest against the swell of Khadgar's cheekbone. ]
You haven't really mentioned anything about any of your dominants.
[ Not in detail, and absently, Larus wonders if Khadgar misses her. His expression could say as much, which means she probably isn't in the city any longer, but he can't be sure, prompting the other man to continue with a soft sweep of his thumb. ]
[ The gentle touches make Khadgar relax more, and he hopes the tension easing out of his body helps Larus realize that this is exactly what he needed, even with the uncertainty they'd both had. ]
I've really only had two, Bo and now Isaac. I signed on with Bo really quickly, and I ended up going home not too long after she did, which is probably a good thing because I was miserable and I would have caused a lot more trouble if I'd been stuck here for too long.
[ Sometimes, he thinks about what kind of person he might be if he hadn't left the city, if he'd been trapped here with nothing but the all-consuming anger he'd felt when he woke up alone. It's never a pleasant thought, and he's usually grateful he has more time and maturity under his belt. ]
Bo and I did some pretty intense things, which kind of goes with the territory of dating a succubus. But they never seemed bad because... well, I was in love with her.
[ It's why he worries so much about getting attached to people, why he waited so long to get a contract this time around. Letting things get too intense was a wonderful, awful mistake that he can't risk making a second time. ]
[ A succubus? Larus doesn't think he's ever met one, though that might have changed already in the city, but it's not the one detail he really focuses on. Loving someone in a place like this is... it's something he can't even imagine. Maybe doesn't even want to. ]
Do you think what happened at that party is different because you didn't love the people you were with?
[ It's really the only thing he's thinking as Khadgar speaks, and just as gently as he'd touched his face, Larus lets his fingers lightly slide into his hair. Holding him, feeling his warmth. He doesn't want to get too attached to anyone in this place, but he knows he's already failed in some ways. And he and Khadgar wouldn't be here if there wasn't something between them. ]
[ He lets out a soft, pleased noise at the hand in his hair, and he slides his hand over Larus' chest, trying to give him some extra contact in return. He doesn't want to just take from him without giving something back. ]
Yes, I think that's part of it. It feels... dirtier to do things with strangers, which I know is probably foolish and something I should probably talk myself out of. [ He laughs a little, even as it makes his face ache. ] I'm not trying to fall in love again. It wasn't worth it. I just... wasn't prepared to realize I like some very dark things.
[ The thing about Larus is that he never expects anything in return for the things he does. It's been that way for as long as he can remember, but he doesn't shy away from the touch to his chest either. ]
You shouldn't be so hard on yourself. [ His words are soft—and hypocritical of him, in the end. ] In this place, all we can hope for is someone we can trust, and sometimes, that might be a stranger. It doesn't mean you're dirty or the things you like are.
[ Larus' fingers carefully cup the back of Khadgar's neck. ] We were strangers once.
[ Khadgar pulls himself a little closer as he runs his hand in small circles over Larus' chest. It's nice to just hold each other with no deeper intent, at least for the moment. ]
Yes, we were. I'm glad that changed. [ He hopes Larus knows that already, but it can't hurt to say it again. ] I think perhaps some of the people I met won't be strangers forever either. And I know I should be kinder to myself. In a way, I have been--I never would have asked for your help a few months ago. Not from you or anyone else.
[ Almost tenderly, Larus presses his thumb against Khadgar's skin and strokes it along the shape of his spine. He's warm, and the sound of his heart beating is oddly content. ]
I still don't know if this is helping. [ Since they're being so honest with one another. ] But being here – all we can do is try. I think they're trying to draw out the worst parts of ourselves. You can't let them win by believing they're right.
[ Khadgar tilts his head back a little to encourage the stroking. It's soothing in a way he wasn't expecting but is so glad to get to enjoy. ]
This is absolutely helping. I just needed some kind words, and to not feel like everyone might think less of me. [ He sighs softly, looking resigned, and a little embarrassed. ] I've been very busy trying not to let them win by just not being the sort of person who enjoys themselves, ever. I think I like the idea of enjoying myself without shame more. It would certainly be new.
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He doesn't move away, just slips his arms around Larus to hold himself close. There's a nasty intrusive thought at the back of his mind that Larus won't want Khadgar to keep touching him if he knows everything he's done, but he does his best to ignore it. ]
Yes, I'm still sore, in a number of places I didn't know I could be sore. But it's not bad. [ He's quiet for a moment before adding: ] I asked for all of it. More than asked in some cases. I don't think that means I can complain about how I feel now.
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I think you can do whatever you want. If it makes you feel better to talk about it, I'll listen. [ He relaxes into the hold, his other hand gently resting against Khadgar's back. ] I don't know. Whatever you need, I'll try to give it to you.
[ It's not as if he knows what that might be. ]
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[ Maybe that's the problem, he realizes. Maybe he wouldn't feel so uncomfortable if he had never had Bo to take care of him, if he didn't know what it was like to get put back together without having to ask for it, or figure out how to make it work. Just as quickly, he feels terrible for missing her, for even thinking about her when Larus is right here offering his help, and his breath hitches as he tries, and fails, to not look disappointed in himself.
He pulls back enough to lock the door and glances around awkwardly. ] Do you want to sit down? If you're going to listen to me ramble, I can at least let you get comfortable.
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What does he actually know about Khadgar anyway? Larus looks at him and realizes that it's very little. ]
It doesn't matter. You can sit with me and talk. [ Before he can argue the point, Larus takes his hand and leads them to the nearest seat that might be comfortable. ] And if you don't want to say anything, you don't have to.
[ He's patient, at the very least. ]
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Oh, I donโt think Iโm capable of staying quiet for too long, but I appreciate your willingness to sit here with me anyway.
[ He laughs a little, and it feels like a good start to pulling his mood back up. ]
Did you hear anything about the party at Fangtasy? I could have invited you but I didnโt think it would be your thing. I wasnโt even sure it would be my thing, to be honest.
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I knew about it. [ Not that he frequents Fangtasy; people just happen to talk. ] I don't need more reasons to indulge in something I don't like, and those parties always end the same way.
[ There's a frown, moving enough to lightly touch the curve of Khadgar's cheek. ]
You shouldn't feel guilty about it if you enjoyed it.
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I'm very good at carrying guilt though. It's a well-honed skill. [ He tries to laugh, but it's probably clear he's not entirely joking. ] I think the problem is... the first time I was here, I got into a contract quickly. Have I told you much about Bo? My succubus dominant? I promise, I'm going somewhere with this.
[ That brings a smile to his face, as thinking about her often does. ]
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You haven't really mentioned anything about any of your dominants.
[ Not in detail, and absently, Larus wonders if Khadgar misses her. His expression could say as much, which means she probably isn't in the city any longer, but he can't be sure, prompting the other man to continue with a soft sweep of his thumb. ]
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I've really only had two, Bo and now Isaac. I signed on with Bo really quickly, and I ended up going home not too long after she did, which is probably a good thing because I was miserable and I would have caused a lot more trouble if I'd been stuck here for too long.
[ Sometimes, he thinks about what kind of person he might be if he hadn't left the city, if he'd been trapped here with nothing but the all-consuming anger he'd felt when he woke up alone. It's never a pleasant thought, and he's usually grateful he has more time and maturity under his belt. ]
Bo and I did some pretty intense things, which kind of goes with the territory of dating a succubus. But they never seemed bad because... well, I was in love with her.
[ It's why he worries so much about getting attached to people, why he waited so long to get a contract this time around. Letting things get too intense was a wonderful, awful mistake that he can't risk making a second time. ]
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Do you think what happened at that party is different because you didn't love the people you were with?
[ It's really the only thing he's thinking as Khadgar speaks, and just as gently as he'd touched his face, Larus lets his fingers lightly slide into his hair. Holding him, feeling his warmth. He doesn't want to get too attached to anyone in this place, but he knows he's already failed in some ways. And he and Khadgar wouldn't be here if there wasn't something between them. ]
Or is it something else?
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Yes, I think that's part of it. It feels... dirtier to do things with strangers, which I know is probably foolish and something I should probably talk myself out of. [ He laughs a little, even as it makes his face ache. ] I'm not trying to fall in love again. It wasn't worth it. I just... wasn't prepared to realize I like some very dark things.
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You shouldn't be so hard on yourself. [ His words are soft—and hypocritical of him, in the end. ] In this place, all we can hope for is someone we can trust, and sometimes, that might be a stranger. It doesn't mean you're dirty or the things you like are.
[ Larus' fingers carefully cup the back of Khadgar's neck. ] We were strangers once.
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Yes, we were. I'm glad that changed. [ He hopes Larus knows that already, but it can't hurt to say it again. ] I think perhaps some of the people I met won't be strangers forever either. And I know I should be kinder to myself. In a way, I have been--I never would have asked for your help a few months ago. Not from you or anyone else.
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I still don't know if this is helping. [ Since they're being so honest with one another. ] But being here – all we can do is try. I think they're trying to draw out the worst parts of ourselves. You can't let them win by believing they're right.
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This is absolutely helping. I just needed some kind words, and to not feel like everyone might think less of me. [ He sighs softly, looking resigned, and a little embarrassed. ] I've been very busy trying not to let them win by just not being the sort of person who enjoys themselves, ever. I think I like the idea of enjoying myself without shame more. It would certainly be new.