[ That's exactly what Khadgar needs to hear, and he leans into the touch at his cheek with a look of relief. It's one thing for him to try to convince himself that he didn't really do anything wrong, but it's another to hear it unprompted from someone whose opinion he genuinely cares about. ]
I'm very good at carrying guilt though. It's a well-honed skill. [ He tries to laugh, but it's probably clear he's not entirely joking. ] I think the problem is... the first time I was here, I got into a contract quickly. Have I told you much about Bo? My succubus dominant? I promise, I'm going somewhere with this.
[ That brings a smile to his face, as thinking about her often does. ]
[ It's obvious, but it isn't Larus' place to judge. Guilt is something he's familiar with, and yet, it feels like a distant cousin to the countless other things he always carries around himself. And gently, he lets his thumb rest against the swell of Khadgar's cheekbone. ]
You haven't really mentioned anything about any of your dominants.
[ Not in detail, and absently, Larus wonders if Khadgar misses her. His expression could say as much, which means she probably isn't in the city any longer, but he can't be sure, prompting the other man to continue with a soft sweep of his thumb. ]
[ The gentle touches make Khadgar relax more, and he hopes the tension easing out of his body helps Larus realize that this is exactly what he needed, even with the uncertainty they'd both had. ]
I've really only had two, Bo and now Isaac. I signed on with Bo really quickly, and I ended up going home not too long after she did, which is probably a good thing because I was miserable and I would have caused a lot more trouble if I'd been stuck here for too long.
[ Sometimes, he thinks about what kind of person he might be if he hadn't left the city, if he'd been trapped here with nothing but the all-consuming anger he'd felt when he woke up alone. It's never a pleasant thought, and he's usually grateful he has more time and maturity under his belt. ]
Bo and I did some pretty intense things, which kind of goes with the territory of dating a succubus. But they never seemed bad because... well, I was in love with her.
[ It's why he worries so much about getting attached to people, why he waited so long to get a contract this time around. Letting things get too intense was a wonderful, awful mistake that he can't risk making a second time. ]
[ A succubus? Larus doesn't think he's ever met one, though that might have changed already in the city, but it's not the one detail he really focuses on. Loving someone in a place like this is... it's something he can't even imagine. Maybe doesn't even want to. ]
Do you think what happened at that party is different because you didn't love the people you were with?
[ It's really the only thing he's thinking as Khadgar speaks, and just as gently as he'd touched his face, Larus lets his fingers lightly slide into his hair. Holding him, feeling his warmth. He doesn't want to get too attached to anyone in this place, but he knows he's already failed in some ways. And he and Khadgar wouldn't be here if there wasn't something between them. ]
[ He lets out a soft, pleased noise at the hand in his hair, and he slides his hand over Larus' chest, trying to give him some extra contact in return. He doesn't want to just take from him without giving something back. ]
Yes, I think that's part of it. It feels... dirtier to do things with strangers, which I know is probably foolish and something I should probably talk myself out of. [ He laughs a little, even as it makes his face ache. ] I'm not trying to fall in love again. It wasn't worth it. I just... wasn't prepared to realize I like some very dark things.
[ The thing about Larus is that he never expects anything in return for the things he does. It's been that way for as long as he can remember, but he doesn't shy away from the touch to his chest either. ]
You shouldn't be so hard on yourself. [ His words are soft—and hypocritical of him, in the end. ] In this place, all we can hope for is someone we can trust, and sometimes, that might be a stranger. It doesn't mean you're dirty or the things you like are.
[ Larus' fingers carefully cup the back of Khadgar's neck. ] We were strangers once.
[ Khadgar pulls himself a little closer as he runs his hand in small circles over Larus' chest. It's nice to just hold each other with no deeper intent, at least for the moment. ]
Yes, we were. I'm glad that changed. [ He hopes Larus knows that already, but it can't hurt to say it again. ] I think perhaps some of the people I met won't be strangers forever either. And I know I should be kinder to myself. In a way, I have been--I never would have asked for your help a few months ago. Not from you or anyone else.
[ Almost tenderly, Larus presses his thumb against Khadgar's skin and strokes it along the shape of his spine. He's warm, and the sound of his heart beating is oddly content. ]
I still don't know if this is helping. [ Since they're being so honest with one another. ] But being here – all we can do is try. I think they're trying to draw out the worst parts of ourselves. You can't let them win by believing they're right.
[ Khadgar tilts his head back a little to encourage the stroking. It's soothing in a way he wasn't expecting but is so glad to get to enjoy. ]
This is absolutely helping. I just needed some kind words, and to not feel like everyone might think less of me. [ He sighs softly, looking resigned, and a little embarrassed. ] I've been very busy trying not to let them win by just not being the sort of person who enjoys themselves, ever. I think I like the idea of enjoying myself without shame more. It would certainly be new.
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I'm very good at carrying guilt though. It's a well-honed skill. [ He tries to laugh, but it's probably clear he's not entirely joking. ] I think the problem is... the first time I was here, I got into a contract quickly. Have I told you much about Bo? My succubus dominant? I promise, I'm going somewhere with this.
[ That brings a smile to his face, as thinking about her often does. ]
no subject
You haven't really mentioned anything about any of your dominants.
[ Not in detail, and absently, Larus wonders if Khadgar misses her. His expression could say as much, which means she probably isn't in the city any longer, but he can't be sure, prompting the other man to continue with a soft sweep of his thumb. ]
no subject
I've really only had two, Bo and now Isaac. I signed on with Bo really quickly, and I ended up going home not too long after she did, which is probably a good thing because I was miserable and I would have caused a lot more trouble if I'd been stuck here for too long.
[ Sometimes, he thinks about what kind of person he might be if he hadn't left the city, if he'd been trapped here with nothing but the all-consuming anger he'd felt when he woke up alone. It's never a pleasant thought, and he's usually grateful he has more time and maturity under his belt. ]
Bo and I did some pretty intense things, which kind of goes with the territory of dating a succubus. But they never seemed bad because... well, I was in love with her.
[ It's why he worries so much about getting attached to people, why he waited so long to get a contract this time around. Letting things get too intense was a wonderful, awful mistake that he can't risk making a second time. ]
no subject
Do you think what happened at that party is different because you didn't love the people you were with?
[ It's really the only thing he's thinking as Khadgar speaks, and just as gently as he'd touched his face, Larus lets his fingers lightly slide into his hair. Holding him, feeling his warmth. He doesn't want to get too attached to anyone in this place, but he knows he's already failed in some ways. And he and Khadgar wouldn't be here if there wasn't something between them. ]
Or is it something else?
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Yes, I think that's part of it. It feels... dirtier to do things with strangers, which I know is probably foolish and something I should probably talk myself out of. [ He laughs a little, even as it makes his face ache. ] I'm not trying to fall in love again. It wasn't worth it. I just... wasn't prepared to realize I like some very dark things.
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You shouldn't be so hard on yourself. [ His words are soft—and hypocritical of him, in the end. ] In this place, all we can hope for is someone we can trust, and sometimes, that might be a stranger. It doesn't mean you're dirty or the things you like are.
[ Larus' fingers carefully cup the back of Khadgar's neck. ] We were strangers once.
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Yes, we were. I'm glad that changed. [ He hopes Larus knows that already, but it can't hurt to say it again. ] I think perhaps some of the people I met won't be strangers forever either. And I know I should be kinder to myself. In a way, I have been--I never would have asked for your help a few months ago. Not from you or anyone else.
no subject
I still don't know if this is helping. [ Since they're being so honest with one another. ] But being here – all we can do is try. I think they're trying to draw out the worst parts of ourselves. You can't let them win by believing they're right.
no subject
This is absolutely helping. I just needed some kind words, and to not feel like everyone might think less of me. [ He sighs softly, looking resigned, and a little embarrassed. ] I've been very busy trying not to let them win by just not being the sort of person who enjoys themselves, ever. I think I like the idea of enjoying myself without shame more. It would certainly be new.