[ is that all? tell him something he doesn't know.
even before all of this, some part of larus had known. nothing would ever be good enough for casimir, not with his desires and ambitions, and when he'd lost that part of himself, larus had only counted the days to when he would go and not how long he would stay. it's a truth that he swallows just as bitterly now as he had back then, unable to bring much to the surface that would remotely be the truth. casimir has done worse to him than sun ever could, and still, he clutches at the hope that maybe one day he won't have to compete with anything to be "good enough". ]
then it sounds like you've made up your mind about coming back. i can't give you what you want. so why are you still talking to me?
i'm talking to you because i love you. and i miss you. and i wish i was there with you. i wish things were simple. i wish i was simple. maybe then i could've accepted this as my lot in life. but i can't. it's like half of me is gone.
[ no, he wants to say. but that would be a lie, and even by omission, larus has never been able to do that to him. ]
wishing doesn't change anything, casimir. do you think i'm satisfied with this? that i want to live every day knowing that you would always choose something else over what we could have together? even if you came back, it wouldn't be enough. nothing ever will, and i know that.
i don't know which one of us is the bigger fool. you could rip my heart out and toss it into the sea and i'd still want you.
if things could go back to how they were before, if i could be whole again, then i could give you everything. larus, there's nothing in this world that could fill the hole that i feel right now. it's not a shortcoming of yours. it's not your responsibility to fix something that's this broken.
[ but perhaps he shouldn't be saying that when he would have chosen dying to kill sun over casimir at one point. ]
i'm not going to argue with you or beg. do whatever you want. and if you feel like you need my permission, then fine. you have that too. i hope you can be happy with that.
[ this is painful. worse than his bleeding eyes a mere hour ago. ]
don't misunderstand me, larus. i still want you. i will always want you. even if you threw my heart into the sea alongside yours. but i can't do anything like this.
[ it's really not worth responding to, not when it feels as if they're going in circles because of the same things, and for a while, larus just stares at those words and tries to pretend he doesn't see them. how long would it take casimir to heal and find himself again? months? years? what if he never does? they're all questions larus asks himself even as he glances out the window and decides that he doesn't want to be alone right now. whether it's amiable company or not. ]
you're not the one being punished. no matter which way you want to look at it, you left. you can't change that fact.
[ he almost laughs to himself at how bleak this conversation has become. larus doesn’t want to speak to him. he doesn’t even need to be psychic to know that. the emptiness in his chest tells him all he needs to know. he’s the one that left, but he still has the audacity to feel dreadfully alone, almost like he’s a child again, swaying in the belly of a ship heading toward a land that he wasn’t sure would even welcome him. ]
i wish the same for you. i wish for someone dashing and brave and impressively educated for you. good-looking, too. brown eyes. long dark hair. honestly, the hair is a full-time job.
[ any other time, he would appreciate casimir's boldness, but right now, it just feels incredibly flat. larus would rather not think about the possibility of casimir coming back to him because it means he thinks he will when he really doesn't know what to believe. there's not much hope in a guess, and larus wonders if they'll even know each other the day they see one another again. ]
or you could tell me where you are. it would make things a lot easier.
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even before all of this, some part of larus had known. nothing would ever be good enough for casimir, not with his desires and ambitions, and when he'd lost that part of himself, larus had only counted the days to when he would go and not how long he would stay. it's a truth that he swallows just as bitterly now as he had back then, unable to bring much to the surface that would remotely be the truth. casimir has done worse to him than sun ever could, and still, he clutches at the hope that maybe one day he won't have to compete with anything to be "good enough". ]
then it sounds like you've made up your mind about coming back.
i can't give you what you want.
so why are you still talking to me?
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and i miss you. and i wish i was there with you.
i wish things were simple. i wish i was simple.
maybe then i could've accepted this as my lot in life.
but i can't. it's like half of me is gone.
would you still want me now?
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wishing doesn't change anything, casimir.
do you think i'm satisfied with this? that i want to live every day knowing that you would always choose something else over what we could have together?
even if you came back, it wouldn't be enough.
nothing ever will, and i know that.
i don't know which one of us is the bigger fool.
you could rip my heart out and toss it into the sea and i'd still want you.
no subject
larus, there's nothing in this world that could fill the hole that i feel right now.
it's not a shortcoming of yours.
it's not your responsibility to fix something that's this broken.
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[ but perhaps he shouldn't be saying that when he would have chosen dying to kill sun over casimir at one point. ]
i'm not going to argue with you or beg.
do whatever you want.
and if you feel like you need my permission, then fine. you have that too.
i hope you can be happy with that.
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don't misunderstand me, larus.
i still want you. i will always want you.
even if you threw my heart into the sea alongside yours.
but i can't do anything like this.
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[ repeating it sounds stupid. seeing it as it is makes him feel absolutely reckless. ]
is that all you wanted to tell me, or is there more?
are you hoping i'll promise to wait for you forever?
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the most precious sense to me is gone.
i'd rather give up any other part of me than that.
i wouldn't ask you to wait forever.
i know if i return i'll have to earn you back.
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you're not the one being punished.
no matter which way you want to look at it, you left. you can't change that fact.
i hope you get what you want.
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i wish the same for you.
i wish for someone dashing and brave and impressively educated for you.
good-looking, too. brown eyes. long dark hair.
honestly, the hair is a full-time job.
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or you could tell me where you are.
it would make things a lot easier.